I’ve found that over the past few weeks, I’ve been forced to hide more and more individuals from my Facebook feed. Either it’s people using too many emoticons, the douchebag who puts up J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS every Sunday at 9am like clockwork, or the chick who’s in and out of so many relationships, that the music lyrics she uses in her statuses start to feel like the gentle sawing of a sharp steak knife across your neck.
But this one girl… this one girl has really got me riled up. First and foremost, I believe all status updates should be hilarious. If they’re not funny, what the fuck are you putting them up for? Any ground-breaking news story I can read myself by going to my trusty AOL.com homepage, and any sports game score I can fucking google or likely find front and center on thingsIcouldgive2shitsabout.com.
I can tolerate when people aren’t funny enough and need to put up generic statuses about their weekends because I can ultimately just breeze by this without a stabbing sense of hatred. What I can’t deal with is “The Cause Girl”. Yes, The Cause Girl. The girl who every other goddamn fucking day has a new thing she “stands” for. Whether it’s tofu diapers or organic cocaine, this chick is one of the most annoying breeds of human. But the best part of all are her status updates. Because she somehow thinks anybody gives a shit. Do you think by putting up lame ass statuses about your “vegan sushi roll-offs” or the “solar decathalon”, you’re going to garner some kind of undiscovered Facebook alliance that supports your self-righteous, pretentious, kind of brinking on Communist interests?
And whatever. I’m all for saving shit. I like birds and trees and air. Water’s good, too. I’m not exactly thrilled about the fact that in about twenty years I’ll probably be drinking fecal infested sewage water everyday, but I’m also not about it to throw it in the faces of the Facebook community with the dipshitted expectation that anyone’s going to do anything about it but check me off of the invitee list for every single future party they ever throw.
Below is a collection of “The Cause Girl”’s status updates. I make up a lot of shit, but this… this is 100% real.
This shit makes me wanna punch someone in the face. SHUT UP. NO ONE CARES. It’s like this girl goes through every concerted effort to fit this vegan, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, yoga, tofu stereotype that it’s almost comical. Besides weren’t these people exiled after Bush took office? Stop using Facebook as a soapbox for your mindless protests. If you’re interested in shit, be interested in it on your own time. Stop inundating us with your overly liberal elitist crap. And it’s not just liberal elitist crap. I don’t want to hear if you killed 18 abortion doctors on your Facebook status either. So here’s an idea, Kate: why don’t you just admit to the world what allllll of this is really about… what you couldn’t divulge in college… the real reason you love going to yoga with spandexed women in awkward positions… it’s because you’re a big lez. A BIG FAT LEZZZZZZZZZZZBIAN.
Oh man, I’m so mature. And tolerant. Speaking of:
In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. ~Dalai Lama
YOU’RE WELCOME.
